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Dear reader, instructions given here are useful not just for survival but actually for living a very successful and conflict free middle-class life in Pakistan. These guidelines generalize over for India and Bangladesh too, as social structures there are quite similar to ours. It is very important to follow these principles verbatim to sustain the disorganized mess in which we already live, and for quelling any thoughts of improving the cataclysmic societal situation.
If you are an adult, have around four to six kids to create misery for yourself and people around you. Since Allah will take care of their food, clothing and housing needs you don’t have to do much. Divide your living space, attention, and financial resource unequally among them. By wearing your mental and financial resources thin contribute towards personal and national misery.
As state education system has totally collapsed, send your children to posh or semi posh schools, so that they never have to speak proper Urdu again. Their teachers will make sure that they speak English (with completely fake British or American accents) and unnecessarily lace their Urdu with words of English. Don’t worry, those English medium schools will never make them critical of the unsavory societal norms and habits around them. They will emerge from their bubble as much of a conformist as a hapless shalwar-kameez clad Urdu medium school graduate.
Independent minded decision making is a burden, take it away from your children in teenage and never give it back to them till they are very old, and you are about to die. Never allow them to grow up mentally and develop a questioning mind. Force them to marry the person of your choice, make them as obedient and unquestioning as possible.
The ever-expanding population is a blessing, so say the Mullahs. Who can disagree with them?
Make fatalism, determinism and the conformism the main guiding principles of your life. Since everything in life is predetermined and different outcomes of our efforts are next to impossible, leave most of the areas of life on fate. When it comes to national issues, be subservient to our elites (both democratic and undemocratic varieties). In that way you don’t have to think much for yourself.
Practice caste system, tribal traditions and extreme amounts of superstition in the name of Islam. Justify every other societal evil such as dowry, vulgar Bollywood style weddings, suppression of women, thuggery of religious right and an utter contempt for the lower order, in the name of our religion. In that way you don’t have to be logical and rigorous with your thinking and arguments.
Green spaces and clean drinking water are a thing of the past, hideously populated cities and towns and contaminated environment are the norm now. Accept the new normal! The ever-expanding population is a blessing, so say the Mullahs. Who can disagree with them? In a thoroughly caged society like ours (which is just a collection of castes, tribes, hodgepodge of bickering ethnicities) every person is dysfunctional wherever they are. Be that person! When it comes to addressing caste, ethnic and sectarian conflicts behave like an ostrich. Always resort to lies and deny outrightly that such conflicts exist in the society. After all, how can such a pious and God-fearing society be in such an abysmal state and state of disintegration?
If someone points out these glaring discrepancies between our articles of faith and real-life conduct, brand them traitors or unbelievers. Since change is hard, don’t bother with it. In fact, demonize the liberals and reform-minded conservatives to no end. Call for their persecution on all forms of media you can find because they have no right to live in the country. Working classes are already invisible in our society and are voiceless people. Keep exploiting them ruthlessly, they should never realize that they have rights too. Your attitude towards them should be very ‘Brahmanic’, which is an ancient Indian way of making poor people disappear in smoke without actually resorting to gulags or genocides. Make sure that these atrocities go entirely unnoticed.
Discourage acquiring classical and modern social sciences & humanities in schools, colleges and universities. Do not focus on getting modern forms of any branch of knowledge. Populate your home bookshelves, if you have any, with works of Ashfaq Ahmad, Bano Qudsia, Qudrat-ullah Shahab, Wasif Ali Wasif, Ansar Abbasi, Zaid Hamid, Israr Ahmad, Zakir Naik, other reactionary preachers (don’t forget to add Hazrat with their names) and other champions of status quo, stagnated thought and servants of power centers. Keep lionizing them. Although Muhammad Iqbal, Al-Ghazali, Al-Biruni, and many other Muslim thinkers-theologians of the recent and ancient past were more nuanced and complex figures, interpret his works in as much reactionary and right-wing way as possible.
In case of any inter or intrapersonal conflict do not shy away from verbal and physical violence. Take complete advantage of the lack of social filters against such behavior. When it comes to the pressing issues of global warming, depleting water resources and overpopulation, which pose an existential threat to the society, develop an attitude of outright denial, which is good for mental peace. Stick to your kith and kin, family, social circle and caste; never dare to think on a societal level, doing so will cause sensory overload.
Repeat all of these guidelines for future generations. It will give Pakistani culture the total stability (of graveyard) and lack of change, which we always have been looking for. It will remain a society of walking dead, without much movement, progress or dynamism. Who can find any fault with that?
Hassan Mirza
The writer is working as an applied scientist in Germany and specialises in Computer Simulations, Applied Artificial Intelligence, and Energy Modelling. In his free time he reads extensively in multiple languages (Urdu, English and German) and is interested in writing about scientific and socio-economic issues.
