Disclaimer: The Eqbal Ahmad Centre for Public Education (EACPE) encourages critical and independent thinking and believes in a free expression of one’s opinion. However, the views expressed in contributed articles are solely those of their respective authors and do not necessarily reflect the position or policy of the EACPE.
We have just passed March 8th, a day internationally dedicated to women. Seminars were organised, banners put up at junctions and catchy slogans spouted around in the media. So women have been duly acknowledged, now let’s get back to our routines of running the world as usual. Will women wake up, go beyond these superficial lollipop appeasements and get down to the serious and challenging business of writing their own script? If you are a woman, it’s time to look reality in the face and come to grips with the fact that no system, however liberal, however progressive, is going to allow you to grow in stature, respect your identity or give you your due in a furiously competitive and dog eats dog world, where men are engaged in tearing down each other to get a step ahead. Before you can ask others to facilitate gender equality, you must build up and strengthen your own personal resources. The men close to you may be supportive if you are very lucky, but more often than not, they are also victims of intense mental conditioning by the patriarchal social norms of the system they are born in and may have to be persuaded and cajoled into seeing your point of view. Even those who are well meaning will not be able to help you beyond a point, unless you find your own way.
Competence is power, incompetence is dependence. Dependence is crippling.
Know that the social system, and most likely even those close to you, will do little more than hinder you in challenging the set norms. Empowering yourself within the given social and legal parameters is your call. Maybe you will not be able to take huge leaps overnight, but take some basic steps and you will on the way. Start with standing on your own two feet, financially and emotionally. No one who is not financially self sufficient is truly free to make significant choices or decisions about her life. If you think women can get along by looking pretty and letting the husband carry the donkey’s load, be ready to compromise on your demands for equality. Even if you are earning but not equipped to manage your finances, investments and banking, you remain mentally handicapped by looking to a male family member for help. Competence is power, incompetence is dependence. Dependence is crippling. Equality and respect will evade you till you empower yourself with enough capability to manage your life affairs not only inside, but outside the home too. Break free of traditional gender- assigned arenas of action within the family and educate yourself about what to look for when buying a new car, refrigerator, flat or insurance; about making arrangements for family functions and travel, home repairs and car servicing. Any decision must be an informed decision, and a demand for decision taking rights must be qualified by knowledge of related logistics.
For women in professions, especially the male dominated ones, patronizing and condescending attitudes of their bosses and colleagues can very often be annoying and frustrating. Change your own stance to change their attitudes. It pays to keep your general interaction with male colleagues professional and formal. Do not cave in to unwarranted pressures, do not allow yourself to be bullied and insist on your getting your dues. Earn respect through giving your best in your field of work and never ask for compassionate favours or lighter assignments on account of family duties or lack of self confidence. Let others in the family share such duties and not expect you to compromise on your professionalism. Women who shirk work and taking on tough duties can hardly be expected to be taken seriously.
Even when a woman is educationally and professionally accomplished, financially independent and able to fend for herself, she may still be emotionally over dependent on her male counterpart. There are many families in which men actually make not only personal but professional decisions for their wives, girl friends or daughters. There could not be a worse way for women to invite mental subjugation. How will any amount of education, reservation or support help any woman who will still look to a male mentor to tell her where to sign and how to handle her office? Whether to accept or refuse a transfer?
Managing interpersonal relationships in a fair and balanced manner is another major component of personal empowerment. The socially glorified image of women exalted to godliness through their given roles of endless sacrifices, nurturing and ‘adjusting’ needs to be smashed to smithereens. Insist on your natural right of being a normal human with needs and wishes of your own which may not always be put on the back burner for your father, husband, partner or your children. Do not sacrifice your own interests in relationships and allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed or exploited. Avoid making desperate emotional investments even in the closest of relationships. Emotional neediness can be terribly destabilizing in instances of unrequited expectations or unfortunate break ups. The best of relationships are unpredictable, so be strong enough to keep or regain your emotional balance in the worst of scenarios. Get up, dust your clothes, heal your bruises and move on. It is never the end and you have a long way to go yet.
About the Author:
Dr Ranjit Powar is a psychologist who has served with the Punjab Civil Services and earlier as a lecturer with the Punjabi University, Patiala. Besides writing as a freelancer, she works with NGOs for imparting employability training to high school students.
Wonderful article.
Toheen e zindagi he sharon ki zindagi.
Jo brh kr khood uthale hath men meena usi ki he